under the loving-care of the ‘Joint Task Force Guantanamo’ and the United States Army, you’ll experience, first-hand, the unique delights of being at the very heart of a US Navy base and yet simultaneously being in legal “outer space”.
You will have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of being bestowed with the title of “enemy combatant” and to avail of the exclusive “GTMO cultural package” (at no extra cost!). The GTMO CP consists of having all your human rights waivered and your dignity taken away for you (yes! we do it for you!) – heck, you won’t even get a trial! A truly amazing, truly authentic all-American experience, which you won’t find anywhere else in the world.
You’ll stay in one of four luxurious villas: Camp Delta, Camp Echo, Camp Iguana or even the world-renowned Camp X-Ray** (terms and conditions apply – see below).
You will lounge in the most sumptuous mesh-sided cells, which have constant lighting and no running water. But that’s not all, the options are there to be left completely in the dark or outside in the elements. The possibilities are endless!
You will feast on Exquisite rations comparable to those of the prestigious American armed forces and don’t worry if you’re Muslim; (Although you should worry) we’ve got you covered too.
Kept in blissful isolation and blindfolded, you’ll be actively encouraged to participate in a vigorous activities program especially tailored for you. Activities include (but are not limited to): torture, sleep deprivation, unlimited use of truth drugs, beatings and solitary confinement in ice cold cells (good for the skin) for days on end – and it’s guaranteed you will be forced to maintain uncomfortable and humiliating postures – or your money back.
At peak times, you could even be the lucky recipient of our exclusive treatments such as being chained to the floor in a fetal position, gagged with duct tape, shackled to a wall or even subjected to loud music and flashing lights for up to 48 hours.
We’ll even provide the orange jumpsuits, face-masks and hoods! All you have to do is sit back, relax and let us work our magic.
Worried about the “red tape” of that pesky Third Geneva Convention or the Human Rights Bill preventing you from traveling? Don’t worry, the Bush Administration has you covered and will do everything in its power to ensure a hassle free trip for you. They guarantee it!
And that’s not all! If you have friends or work colleagues who are civil society leaders, opposition members, labour activists, or out-spoken journalists or if you know someone who has criticised The Government or the War On Terror, then tell us and we’ll fly them over (at night, in secrecy) absolutely free!
(if you don’t tell us about them, and we find out, you’ll be joining us whether you like it or not – so hey! don’t keep it to yourself, bring your buddies too!)
Not convinced? Then just take a look at these testimonials.
Amnesty International: “a human rights scandal”,”the gulag of our times”
Prominent UK Judge Lord Steyn: “..a monstrous failure of justice”
New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman: “..please, Mr. President, shut it down”
These people hate democracy and freedom. So if THEY pour scorn on it – it MUST be good! Don’t delay! book your ticket to glorious Guantanamo bay today simply by participating in an anti-war demonstration, joining a civil liberties union, going to an animal rights’ protest or saying something in opposition to Our Leader George W. Bush. It’s that easy! Do YOUR bit for freedom!
**Camp X-ray is currently closed for renovation.
Terms and conditions. The terms are: you do as we say or else. The conditions are: inhumane.